After a new pregnancy’s immediate shock, the next nine months turn from a celebratory journey into a caustic minefield littered with warning signs proclaiming just how many ways your choices to this point will destroy the coming little one.
Bought a house? It’s probably got a million and one ways of turning kiddo into kibble.
Have a hobby? Nah, bro. All those board games you’ve been filling your murder-house with are gonna choke baby to pieces.
Have a shelf? What, you thought you could keep your games if you put’em up out of baby’s reach? No way! Little kid’s going to have the grip strength and tactile ability of Spiderman at five months to go with approximately zero knowledge of physics and he’s gonna bring that shelf, and those games, down on his precious head.
Have a friend who can keep those games so that you can rid your house of shelves, and everything else? Don’t even think about it – friends have germs, and germs are surefire doom missiles aimed right at kiddo’s fresh, smiling face. Ditch’em.
You can see my mental state had progressed to a frightening place, and in the middle of it all, we discovered that our house, built in the YEAR OF OUR LORD 1928, had lead paint splattered around its basement concrete walls, in myriad colors. What schemes or rituals were enacted down there that prompted such white, blue, lighter blue, and lightest blue coloring, I don’t know and am scared to speculate on.
The ghosts might be watching me.
Anyway. Like most things kept in basements for nearly a century, the paint wanted to escape and had begun chipping off the walls like a poisonous blizzard. We needed it out, but doing this in the Wisconsin Winter has proved a ridiculous escapade. People came, dealt with it, but in our need to clear the remaining smells from the house, we’re huddling in the chill, windows open in January, like sane people.
All for you, kiddo. All for you.
Also, the Lego Movie 2. It’s a film. It distracted us from the lead paint, which was much appreciated. I laughed some. The end credits were fun. Batman, as per usual, makes a better Lego character than a real one.
STARSHOT dropped new chapters across the web and Patreon yesterday, if that’s your thing. More to come, if we survive.